


Solving the Problem

by wendymr



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Banter, Crack, Dialogue-Only, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-20
Updated: 2014-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-16 10:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1343791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendymr/pseuds/wendymr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lewis notices he, Morse, and Hathaway have all had bad luck starting relationships with women they meet during cases.  Hathaway has a solution to this.  It only gets more cracky from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Sergeant, we're stuck in a vicious circle."

"…all right. May I ask what the vicious circle pertains to, sir?"

"Relationships."

"Ah."

"It's a strange pattern I've uncovered."

"What pattern is that?"

"Morse never had any luck with women he met on cases...I haven't had any luck with women I met on cases...you haven't...try not to pass the curse on to your sergeant, eh, lad?"

"Maybe you've been going about this wrong, sir."  

"Hm?"  

"Maybe you should've been dating the men you met on cases."

"D'you reckon?"  

"What about that bloke in the rock band you liked?" 

"Bloody hell.  I like the music, sergeant, not the bloke.  Or the lifestyle."

"You never wanted to be a rock star, sir?"  

"Not sober."

"Then how about Dr Hobson's old university friend? While drunk, of course."

"Listen, if you're going to talk nonsense, I'll just stop me ears till you're through."

"You could always look closer to home, sir."

"If you're going to suggest some crusty old don, I'd rather you didn't.  Nobody enjoys making someone feel stupid quite as much as they do."

"That's hardly close to home, is it?"

"Thought you meant Oxford.  What do you mean?"

"The police? People you work with?"

"I've considered that, but every time you try to get intimate with Peterson, he has to run away and then somebody sees Superman flying over the city."

"Ah, but I meant someone who appreciates your unique qualities, sir. I'm not sure that Peterson qualifies."

"If we're waiting for someone to appreciate my qualities, we'll be waiting a long time, lad."

"Are you really saying you believe that no-one appreciates your many fine talents, sir? I'm beginning to feel offended."

"You mean you?"

"Is that so terrible, sir?"

"Of course it's not terrible.  Not at all.  I'm just...surprised, I suppose."

"You wouldn't expect that I might recognise your superlative qualities for the prize they are?"

"Go on with you.  I know what I'd see in you...that's plain enough.  Be plain to anyone else too.  Not as much, the other way round."

"If I assume for the moment that you're actually serious, sir... let's start with your intelligence, and then move on to your stunning good looks, and finish with the fact that you are the kindest, most generous, most admirable man I have ever known. But, of course, you're not serious and you don't need me to elaborate, do you?"

"I...just...you...in the...what?"

"You heard me, sir."

"I think so.  I...don't really know what you want me to say to that.  Pretty sure all I can manage is thank you."

"I see. No need for thanks, sir."

"Never heard you talk like that before."

"And I give you my word that you won't again. I apologise if I embarrassed you, sir."

"No, that's not what I mean.  I don't want you to feel you have to...I'm out of practise, you see.  Having heart to hearts and that.  Nothing to do with you.  Just...I'm out of practise, that's all."

"You don't need to apologise, sir. You don't feel the same way, and that's fine. I understand."

"Bloody hell, James, that's not it at all!  If you think I haven't been attracted to you...haven't noticed you or...wanted you to notice me...trying to pull out little bits of knowledge so you wouldn't think what everyone else thinks of me...you haven't seen that?  You haven't worked out what it all means?"

"I... really?"

"Really."

"You didn't need to do any of that, sir. I've always noticed you. Right from our first meeting - that shirt certainly did the trick."

"Should've known you'd never forget that.  It's a good job you weren't with me in Australia."

"I could be with you in Australia, if you wanted..."

"I wouldn't mind.  Though I can think of other places I'd rather be with you first."

"That sounds... intriguing, sir. Shall we discuss it over dinner? Your place or mine?"

"Better make it yours.  All I've got in me fridge is beer and a lemon."

"Even I couldn't make an edible meal from that limited selection of ingredients."

"I'm sure you could, but let's not chance it."

"No. Music may be the food of love, but I'd rather have something more substantial in addition."

"Me too.  Get the flags on the eighth notes stuck in me teeth."

"I promise to provide refreshments that won't stick in your teeth. After all, it's not especially attractive leading up to more... intimate activities."

"Think there'll be some, then?  Intimate activities?"

"If you're amenable."

"I am if you are."

"Sweeter words have never before been heard, sir."

"I can think of a few might be sweeter, lad, but we'll want to say those in private."

"Mmm. It occurs to me, however.... You think Morse might have been happier had he come to a similar conclusion?"

"Dating you or me?"

"Well, choosing me would have been - literally - cradle-robbing. You? Well... I'm sure there were other contemporaneous officers who may have been a congenial partner for him."

"I fancy he might've done all right with Strange.  Bit like a romantic comedy duo, they were.  Always at odds usually means secret love in those things, doesn't it?"

"Oh, definitely. So that means that all those times you complained about my smartarsery you were secretly declaring your love for me?"

"I'd incriminate myself if I answered that, wouldn't I?"

"Your secret is safe with me, sir."

"Not much of a secret any more, James.  And I think I like it that way."


	2. Un bel di

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nowt as Strange as Morse...

"I can tell you, this is the LAST time you leave me to do the washing up, matey!"

"I would have got to it eventually."

"Eventually. After you listened to all of Madama bloody Butterfly."

"Just because you don't enjoy Puccini doesn't mean the rest of us should have to do without. WHAT have you done with my Ring Cycle libretto? It was right there, on the couch!"

"Bloody hell, matey, the place was a mess when I walked in! I put everything in that drawer over there."

"You did WHAT? I just hope you haven't torn it. The things I put up with..."

"Well, I'm sorry, but if you didn't want your little book bothered, you should've put it away yourself!  I'm not your minder and I'm not your maid. Your opera collection takes up more than half the flat; I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that the couch be clear enough for me to use."

"If you don't like it, no-one said you had to live here."

"I'd go, but I'm afraid they'd find you buried under a pile of your own Wagner recordings after a few days."

"Oh, very funny."

"You always were your own worst enemy, Endeavour. Now get down off your high horse and put the kettle on."

"You KNOW I'd rather you called me Morse.  I'll put the kettle on if you'll do that."

"Well done, Morse. I'll have three chocolate digestives with mine."

"I hope they stick in your teeth."

"Now, now, Morse, that's not the way to speak to the love of your life."

"The love of my--!  The love of the latter half of my life, probably.  The love of my life in the last five years, certainly.  I don't believe in unqualified titles."

"Dearie me, sometimes I really don't know why I put up with you. Must be Fred Thursday's ghost nagging me. Or else it's punishment."

"Yes, well, you're not the first to view my attentions as punishment.  Goodness knows it hasn't done some people any favours."

"That's why you're better off with me, isn't it? I know Lewis was relieved when he found out."

"Lewis does seem to have some sort of interest in me being happy.  I've never quite understood that."

"No, you wouldn't, would you? You never could understand why people cared about you, you poor sod."

"I know I get a bit...shouty...on occasion.  But...in contrast to what I said before...I'd mind very much if you did leave."

"As if I didn't know that, you stupid bastard. Come here and give me a kiss."

"All right.  But make it quick.  I don't want to miss 'Un bel di'."

...

"Robbie?  Are you all right?"  

"It's all your fault, you know, lad."  

"What is?"  

"Me dreaming of Morse and Strange kissing on the bloody sofa!"

"Do you think a kiss from me would make it better?"  

"...I wouldn't say no."


	3. It's a Bird...

"All right, I have to ask. You know what you were saying the other day, about Peterson and Superman?"

"What about it?"

"Well, it's not true, is it?"

"What d'you mean it's not true?  Of course it's not.  It's bollocks.  Why?"

"Well... ever since you said it I haven't been able to get the image out of my head."

"That doesn't sound very...enjoyable."

"I even dreamed about it last night. We were standing in front of the Radcliffe Camera and there was a sonic boom overhead. Someone - think it might have been Hooper - said 'Is it a bird or a plane'? and you looked around and said no, it's just Peterson in a leotard and a dodgy haircut."

"Bloody hell.  That's worse than mine about Strange and Morse."

"I'm not so sure. Imagine Peterson having superhearing and X-ray vision."

"Ask yourself, James, WHY would I want to imagine that?"

"So that I'm not alone in having nightmares?"

"No, well...with that last comment of yours...have you been dreaming what I'm imagining you've been dreaming?"

"Depends what you're imagining, sir. And to make matters worse, thanks to you I also have a vivid image of him in a skin-tight purple and lavender leotard. It's more aerodynamic, apparently."

"May need to scrub my brain.  Or watch a few episodes of 'My Hero'."

"The problem is, when you look at Peterson in a certain light he does look just a bit Clark Kent-ish. Well, I suppose the jaw isn't sufficiently lantern-like, and he doesn't make a habit of wearing suits, but... I'm talking rubbish, aren't I?"

"No, not at all.  Gets me rather excited hearing you talk about superheroes and such.  Probably would work better if you weren't talking about PETERSON in that context, but..."

"Well, well, well. I had no idea that you had a superhero fetish, sir. Who's your favourite? And if you say Spider-Man..."

"With great power comes great responsibility, lad.  No, I've always been partial to the Human Torch meself."

"Would that be Johnny Storm or Jim Hammond?"

"Johnny Storm.  Fantastic Four were brilliant."

"And you laugh at me for being a comics fan."

"A bloke can laugh at something he shares in."

"Might have told me. Though I know how you can make up for it."

"How's that then?"

"There's a convention in Leeds next month. We can go together. I'll organise the costumes."

"Be glad to go, but...what'll you make me dress as?"

"Well, people are always referring to us as the Dynamic Duo. Me Batman, you Robin."

"ME Robin!"

"Naturally. Robin's always shorter than Batman. Besides, it's nearly the same name."

"Suppose at least it's not Wonder Woman.  Lost me bustier years ago."

"What a crying shame, sir. Such a loss to humanity."

"Quiet or I'll use me lasso of truth on you."

"Are you implying that I would lie to you?"

"Not lie exactly.  More...go a bit sarky."

"It's my way of saying I love you."

"I can think of better ways.  Batman."

"Are you suggesting that I should kiss you, Robin?"

"Gee, Batman, I don't know.  I'll let you decide."

"Mmm. Shut up and be kissed."

"Okay."


End file.
